Well, Hello Dolly
by Lion in the Land
Summary: Seras, Walter, Integra and Alucard have mischievous fun around Hellsing Manor with an unusual gift from the Russian Ambassador. No pairings, only implications. ONE SHOT


**A/N:** Hellsing is the property of Kouto Hirano and Shonen Gahosha Co. LTD./Hellsing K.G. This story is a work of fiction, but is based on real life events.

_Dedicated to: Kim, Donna, Debbie, Kylie, and our Cabana Boy_

**Well, Hello Dolly**

It is Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing's birthday, and she sits behind her desk amidst a pile of boxes and torn wrapping. Walter is here, cataloging the various items received from lords and dignitaries from around the United Kingdom, who know that Integra is an important person to the crown, although most of them are clueless as to the real reason why.

"More Waterford," she announces, stifling a yawn as she pulls a crystal vase from a pile of tissue.

Walter dutifully scribbles down the gift and the giver in the ledger as Integra clunks the vase down at the side of the desk with the other gifts.

Alucard and Seras arrived only moments earlier to give Sir Integra their gift, and she now reaches her hand across the desk for it. Her demeanor is formal, but the Hellsing leader is genuinely curious about this one. The vampires don't earn an income per se, so they have to be creative with their gift giving. Alucard learned many birthdays ago that simply blasting into a store and lifting an item for his master was not acceptable. Having grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth, Integra never questioned the luxurious gifts from the family vampire, at least not until the Bobby showed up at her front door, interrogated her, and humiliatingly stripped her bed of the 1500 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets Alucard had given her.

Since then, the gifts have been more of the grammer-school-I-made-it-myself-mommy variety, and young Seras seems to be an endless font of crafty ideas. The leaf rubbings and various paper mache…things, are rarely of any use to Integra, but since she doesn't have children – and let's face it, probably never will – getting these handmade gifts from her servants helps fulfill the spec of a maternal instinct that dwells in her, and she looks forward to them.

On this birthday, Seras hands her a stack of paper strips, stapled together. Integra pages through the strips of paper and sees that each is a coupon of sorts – each one being redeemable for a service from one of her pet vampires. The first several are from Seras, and include things like:

*** Answer the phones for one full week***

***Sharpen 50 Pencils***

***Personal Shopper for a Day***

The corners of Integra's mouth turn up in a small, appreciative smile. Not to be outdone, Alucard says, "Mine are at the back."

She flips to the back of the booklet and reads:

***Good for one Foot Massage***

***Unlimited Back Rubs***

She flicks her eyes up to the virile Nosferatu, who smirks suggestively and raises an eyebrow. And there goes that maternal feeling out the window.

Integra shakes her head and sets the booklet down in front of her. "Why don't I open this last one while we're all together," she says as she nods toward a large box by the door.

Walter lifts the box – which extends from below his knees up to his shoulders – and carries it over. From his stance, the huge package doesn't appear to be all that heavy. It's from the Russian Ambassador to the United Kingdom. Hellsing came to his country's aid when they were struggling with an infestation, and the ambassador owes her; it looks like he's reciprocating with a special gift. Integra hopes this means that the two countries are on their way to a better relationship going forward.

Walter brings the box to set at Integra's feet next to the desk. The wrapping is torn, the box opened, and Integra stares into the box and doesn't move.

"Allow me to help you, sir," Walter says and reaches in and hoists out the gift, first revealing a mass of shiny brown curls and then a pale, porcelain face, followed by a shimmering white satin gown. He stands the large doll on the desk, and for a few moments there is a hushed silence in the office.

Finally, Integra speaks, "A d-doll?"

"Yes, well, dolls are very popular in Russia. This is probably a rare collectible; it's a lovely gesture," Walter explains, but Integra merely stares cautiously at it, not seeming at all impressed by the lovely gesture.

"Oh, sir," Seras coos wistfully, "doesn't it remind you of when you were a little girl?"

Integra looks at Seras as if she's just dropped into the room from another planet.

"_Ahem_," Walter says on the side to Seras, "Sir Integra has never been fond of dolls, even as a young girl."

Integra's eyes have wandered back to the doll, and Seras notes a glimmer of distrust in the way her boss regards the latest gift. She whispers knowingly to Walter, "Ah, afraid of 'em."

"I'm _not_ afraid of dolls!" Integra insists. "I just don't understand the appeal. I never have."

Seras strolls around to the other side of the desk, examining the elegant gown, the creamy complexion, and full, pouty mouth. The doll has the face of a little girl, and yet clear elements of a woman in her figure and dress. "Oh, but don't you think she's beautiful, Sir? So flawless; so innocent; so…"

"…virginal," Alucard finishes in a throaty murmur.

"Yes, she's lovely," Integra snaps irritably. "But she's hardly to my tastes. Walter, put her in storage, but make certain she's easy to get to, so we can pull her out for display should any Russian dignitaries choose to pay us a visit." Despite the gift, Integra knows that relations are still shaky enough with the Russians that she can't risk offending them. Even still, she's not willing to look at the doll day in and out.

As Walter reaches for the doll, Seras stops him with a frightened, "W-Walter, stop! Do you see how its head is tilted toward me? How she's looking right at me?"

"Why yes," Walter answers, "she does seem to be looking at you."

"Well…I could swear that when you first pulled her out, and I was standing all the way over there," Seras explains, jabbing her finger toward the other side of the desk, "she was looking at me then, too!"

"Police Girl, how many ghouls did you off last week?" Alucard asks. "Surely you're not telling me that this four-foot goddess could get the best of you."

"No. But it was looking at me over there, and now it's looking at me over here. I'm sure of it!" Seras insists.

"Enough of this," Integra says sharply. "Walter, take it away. Now."

Walter grasps the doll and tilts it, causing it's eyelids to flutter shut, and the unexpected facial movement causes Integra to involuntarily jump back.

Alucard chuckles darkly and says, "Are you quite certain you're not threatened by her, Master?"

"Alucard…" Integra warns.

Alucard bows his head and remains silent while Walter takes the doll and clears away the wrapping, but a mischievous smirk plays about his lips.

* * *

The next day, Integra is exhausted. She had a long day of meetings and then got pulled into a two hour conference call to once again attempt to iron out protocol for sharing electronic information across England's various crime-fighting organizations. To Integra's mind, there is no bigger waste of time than a meeting: in person, teleconference or otherwise. The same issues are discussed over and over again, and it seems nothing ever gets decided, much less accomplished. Worst of all, she still has to sit down to write out thank you notes tonight for her several birthday gifts. She could push that task off onto Walter or one of her other servants, but she was raised with manners and feels a personal _Thank You_ is important.

It is with a tired and distracted mind that Integra enters her office, clasping a pile of papers and notebooks under her arm. She shuts the door behind her, and then shrieks sharply and slams her back against the door. The papers and notebooks scatter across her floor.

Sitting on the chair behind Integra's desk and looking straight at her with a rosy blush on her milky white flesh is…_the doll!_

Integra nearly calls for Alucard, but she stops herself. This is ridiculous. It's a doll, for heaven's sake, not a ghoul, not a freak. She inhales deeply and crouches to pick up her papers. Then she puts them at the end of the desk, and without getting any closer to the doll than necessary, presses the button on her phone to page Walter.

A few minutes later, the elderly butler steps through her door and says, "You rang, sir?"

"Walter, I thought I told you to put _that_ in storage," she says crisply, pointing to the doll.

Walter looks at the doll in some surprise and says, "Why yes, you did, sir, and…" the butler's voice trails off. He is mystified. He did put it away – in the sub-basement storage vault, right next to Alucard's dungeon…Alucard!

Walter had noticed the ancient vampire's amusement at Sir Integra's seeming fear of the doll. The perverse vampire did this; Walter is sure of it. But he knows that his boss has had a long day and doesn't want her to have to bother with disciplining her undead servant – again – so he takes the fall.

"You did, sir; please forgive me. I was on my way to storage when I decided to do a little light dusting in your office, and must have forgotten it here."

"Very well, just make sure to finish the job this time. I do not want to see that thing around Hellsing Manor again unless I've given specific instructions for it to be displayed."

"Yes, sir," Walter acquiesces and takes the doll with him. As he walks down the hall, he chuckles to himself. He'd noted the disarray of Integra's papers and her flushed face. The doll had given her a pretty good scare. It appears the Hellsing women are indeed threatened by this porcelain angel.

He makes his way further down in the Manor and thinks about how adorable Seras had looked in her fright, convinced that the doll had been watching her, and he gets a naughty idea.

* * *

Rays of sunshine fight their way into Hellsing manor through the slits between the panels of the thick, expensive drapery, and Seras is ready to retire for the day. Her Master kept her busy all night fighting the Flood in Halo 3. He claims the practice will keep her reflexes sharp for when they get another assignment, but she knows that he's simply addicted to the game.

She had fun playing, but now she's anxious to go to bed, not because she wants to sleep, but because she can't wait to get back to the addicting vampire romance novel she's become engrossed in. She knows there isn't much literary value to the thing, but the lead male vampire is just so dreamy (even if he is completely unrealistic).

"Hel-lo Edward," she calls out in a sing-songy voice as she opens her door. She shimmies out of her Police Girl outfit and into a cotton nightie. Then she grabs the book from her dresser and turns immediately to the page she'd dog-eared and begins reading on her way to her coffin. She distractedly lifts the cover, still reading, but something catches her peripheral vision, and she begins screaming at the top of her lungs.

Lying in the middle of her bed, with its sculpted porcelain head on the pillow and its eyes delicately shut, as if sleeping, is…_the doll!_

The piercing screams don't wake the doll, so Seras begins to think that perhaps it isn't alive, after all. In a ready stance, she whips the book onto the doll's chest to see if there's a reaction. Nothing. Seras blows out a gust of air when she realizes that she's just been tricked. But who would do such a thing?

A lightbulb flashes in the young vampire's head, and Seras mutters through gritted teeth, "Master." She figures that he probably wanted to teach her a lesson about being afraid of dolls. She grabs the doll up roughly and marches purposefully out of her room. She knows that going directly to Alucard will do her no good, but there is someone else he'll listen to. Someone he _has_ to listen to.

Luckily for Seras, Walter just happens to be very close outside her door when she emerges. "Walter, I need to speak with Sir Integra right away."

"Certainly, Miss Victoria. Is there a problem? I thought I heard screams coming from your room.

"Oh, there's a problem, alright. It appears that no matter how many centuries he has under his belt, my Master will _never_ grow up!"

A few minutes later, they are standing in front of Integra's desk, and Seras angrily explains the situation.

"Seras, you just said that you'd been playing video games with Alucard all night, correct?" Integra clarifies.

"Yes," Seras answers.

"Then how could he have gotten away to put the doll in your room?"

Seras furrows her brow in thought, and then answers, "He must've done it before he called me down to his room."

"And what time was that?"

"Urm, I suppose it was about ten o'clock."

Sir Hellsing purses her lips and shakes her head. "It couldn't have been him, then. It was after ten that I returned to my office last night, and the doll was here. Walter returned it to storage after that." Integra snaps her head to the butler. "Walter – you didn't dust Seras's room and forget the doll again, did you?" She's beginning to worry that her elderly servant's mental faculties may be slipping.

"No," Walter answers. "I assure you that I did not unintentionally leave the doll anywhere after I left your office."

One corner of his mouth twitches ever so slightly after he answers, and the reflex is not lost on Seras. Neither is the fact that he'd very specifically used the word _unintentionally_. Does that mean that he _intentionally_ left it somewhere?

Integra pinches the bridge of her nose. "I have a breakfast meeting at the palace to get to. Walter, make sure to lock the door to the storage closet this time. I cannot continue to concern myself with the activities of a blasted doll."

"Very well, sir," Walter says and reaches for the doll.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Walter," Seras says very sweetly. "You're busy enough; I'll take care of it. Why don't you just give me the closet keys, and I'll give them back to you when I'm finished."

"That's not necessary, Miss Victoria," Walter says, touched by the young vamp's thoughtfulness.

"Not at all; I insist," Seras responds and grips the doll tightly.

* * *

It is three o'clock in the afternoon, time for Walter's daily vacuum, so he makes his way to the supply closet in the left wing. He's a bit perturbed, because Seras never gave him back his master key before retiring to her room, so he's hoping he'll find the closet unlocked. He turns the corner into the hallway and is surprised to find it in murky darkness. The drapes are pulled shut and the light fixtures don't turn on when he flicks the switch. _Oh dear_, he thinks to himself, _the bulbs must be out. I do hope we've got more in the closet._

He's pleased to find the door unlocked, but when he flicks that switch for the interior light, nothing happens. _Hm, perhaps it's a problem with the wiring_. He remembers that the bare bulb at the center of the closet has a chain hanging from it, so he steps into the dark closet with his hand outstretched in front of him, feeling for the chain. He cautiously steps around items at his feet as he searches. All he can make out are dim shadows of objects. He feels the chain and grasps it, hoping that this is going to work. He gives the chain a yank and the closet is illuminated. But instead of feeling triumph, Walter is filled with absolute terror.

Not more than a foot away and standing at his height, smiling ominously at him with her cherry-red porcelain lips is…_the doll!_

He gasps and takes a step back, but his foot catches on something and he stumbles backwards, knocking into the vacuum and losing his balance. He spins around to break his fall and knocks over a stack of other items in the process, sending the whole lot of them crashing through the doorway and into the hall. Walter lies face first on the hallway floor, and a gleeful cackling erupts behind him.

He's about to reach into his pocket for his wires to do away with the demon doll, when a pair of sexy legs skitter past him. He'd know those legs anywhere – it's Seras. She is bent double and laughing hysterically. "Oh, Walter…_hahahaha_…your face!..._ahahahaha…_and CRASH!…_bwahahahahaha_!"

Walter lifts himself to lean on his elbows and smiles. Clever Seras. She figured out that he'd been the one who'd played the trick and got back at him. He couldn't begrudge the girl her fun. Why would he want to?

Integra's harsh voice carries from down the hall and gets louder as she marches toward them. "What was that racket about? Wh-why in Heaven's name are the lights all out? Walter? Why are you on the floor--" She stops short as she reaches the closet and looks in. "The doll," she seethes venomously.

Seras straightens herself up at her boss' appearance, and Integra now turns to her. "Seras Victoria, what is the meaning of this?"

"I'm sorry for causing the disturbance, sir. I was only avenging myself, because Walter is the one who planted the doll in my room."

"Walter, is this true?" Integra asks.

"Yes, sir, I'm afraid it is," he says, rising to stand and brushing himself off.

"Walter," Integra says, her tone now dangerous. "Did you purposely leave the doll in my office last night to frighten me?"

"Certainly not, sir. To be completely honest with you I'm not the one who left it there at all. I was errant with my earlier explanation, as I later recalled that I had, in fact, put the doll away in storage." He no longer feels like covering for Alucard in the face of Integra's fiery mood.

Integra eyes her butler suspiciously, but decides to believe him for the moment. Playing a gag on the most junior member of the organization is one thing, but on it's leader, quite another; Walter wouldn't be so foolish. "Seras, was it you then?" she asks.

"No, sir! I only got the idea after Walter did it to me."

"Well, who could it have been, then?" Integra asks accusingly. "Who else even knows about the doll besides-" Integra gasps, "Alucard!"

"I think that scenario is very likely," Walter confirms.

"So, he started all of this. I _knew_ he was involved somehow," Seras says, feeling vindicated.

Integra clenches her jaw, and her eyes practically glow, like hot, angry coals. "Walter, Seras, clean this mess up and then meet me in my office," she says decisively. "Bring the doll," she adds as she stalks down the hall.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Integra, Seras and Walter are in the dungeon, just outside Alucard's door. They have the doll with them. Seras's eyes clamp shut as she taps into her master's psyche. She's not yet capable of reading exact thoughts or images, but right now she simply wants to gage how deep into sleep he is. She tunes her mind into his vibrations and senses a calmness that isn't there when he's awake.

She opens her eyes and reports, "He is zonked out. He won't sense a thing."

"Excellent," Integra says, an excited glint shimmering in her ice-blue eyes.

Walter pulls his wires out of his pocket and hands them to Seras.

"Now remember," Integra instructs, the doll has to be hung high enough to clear his coffin lid when he lifts it, but only barely. We want it to be as close to him as possible. Once you have the doll secured, come back out here to let us know."

"Got it," Seras says. "Wish me luck." She winks and then the Draculina disappears with the doll through the wall.

About ten minutes later, she comes out alone. "I did it," she whispers and giggles.

"It's high enough?" Integra asks anxiously.

"Yes," Seras answers.

"It's not too high?"

"No. I hung her so that she looks like she's swooping down on him. Like this," Seras explains and holds both arms angled out to the side as she leans forward and mocks the sinister innocence of the doll's expression.

Walter lets out a snort, and Integra claps her hand to her mouth to hold back a laugh as she pictures the great No-Life King waking and getting his pants scared off of him by the porcelain she-devil. The beauty of the plan is that the doll is merely an inanimate object, so Alucard's intuitive abilities, which sense ghouls, other vampires and the like, won't pick up on it. It'll catch him completely unawares. Walter thinks about how wonderful it is that his always serious, too-old-for-her-years boss is cutting loose and letting herself be silly for once.

Once they've recomposed themselves, Integra speaks. "Right, so I will go in first; you two follow close behind. I'll call out to him, and Seras," she says, handing Seras a video camera, "make sure to tape the whole thing. We are going to hold this one over his head for a very long time." Her mouth curls up devilishly during that last sentence.

"Ready?" she asks.

"Yes, sir," Seras and Walter answer in unison.

Integra pushes the door open and steps into the dungeon, but she stops short when her eyes adjust to the murky candlelight, causing Walter and Seras to bump into her back.

"Where's the doll?" she whispers harshly to Seras.

"What?" Seras asks and then peers over her master's coffin to see only the wisps of Walters wires hanging there and no doll. "I hung her right there," she whispers back, gesturing toward the wires.

"Did it fall?" Integra whispers back.

Walter and Seras very cautiously step over to the coffin and look around the floor for the doll. They go behind the coffin and then look to Integra and shake their heads in the negative. Seras also shrugs her shoulders, indicating that she has no idea what could've happened to the doll.

Integra hisses across the dungeon as she tries to control her volume. "Well it didn't just get up and walk away by itself…...did it?" Integra feels her flesh pull up in goosebumps as she begins scanning the dungeon for any sign of the doll. She thinks about how stupid they were to fall into the wicked girl's trap – willingly enclosing themselves in this tomb!

Before a full-on panic can set in, there is a thump against the inside of Alucard's coffin that sounds suspiciously like porcelain. Slowly, Integra realizes that Alucard has the doll, and she is ticked – within twenty-four hours she let him get the best of her twice!

"Alucard," she growls as she stomps over to the coffin and pulls up the lid. She looks down, and wishes she hadn't. She really, really wishes she hadn't. At first all she sees is Alucard's back. But he turns his head toward her and his shoulder lifts, revealing the doll beneath him, and from this angle, it would appear that the porcelain girl can no longer be described as _virginal_.

Integra gasps in horror, and Alucard's mouth stretches wide in a lecherous grin. "Care to join us?" he asks.

Integra backs away from the coffin and, trying not to look at anything in particular, stumbles backwards to the door. Before disappearing down the hall, she orders, "Walter, _burn _the doll when he's through with it. We'll take our chances with Russia."

Meanwhile, Seras has moved around to the foot of the coffin, and is gawking into it with a confused look on her face. She lowers the camera but keeps it running in her perplexed state, filming the floor as she tilts her head to the side and continues to stare.

"Police Girl," Alucard drawls. "Unless you plan on filming this and putting it on You Tube, I suggest you close the lid and give us some privacy."

Seras shakes herself back into focus and slides the lid shut. She gives an involuntary shudder, and with her look now a mixture of disgust and bewilderment, staggers out of the dungeon without a word.

Walter reaches up and yanks down his wires, and as he winds them up and tucks them into the inside pocket of his jacket, he lightly comments to himself, "Well, that was fun." Then he clicks his way across the dungeon floor and shuts the door behind him, leaving Alucard alone to play with his dolly.

.

The End

.

**Author's Note:** Thank you to Metropolis "the peach" Kid for his endless guidance in the Helling universe. And yes, the idea of Alucard and Seras playing Halo 3 is unabashedly stolen from his very funny story, "Alucard and the Xbox," which I highly recommend.

I'd also like to thank my girlfriend's sister-in-law for giving her that creepy doll for her birthday. We sure did have fun with it…(but not the kind of fun Alucard had, I swear!)


End file.
